ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
