I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
