so that wasnt chicken after all
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
