Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
