Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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