I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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