When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
