you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
