So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
