Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
