My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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