tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
