Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
