There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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