I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Randomize
