It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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