So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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