highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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