Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
