Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
