stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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