well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
