You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
