I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
