HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My vagina is officially offended.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
