My first STD was from a foam party
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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