I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
