i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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