i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
