why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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