went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
