She is in my trunk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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