apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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