Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
