who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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