Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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