I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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