Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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