Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
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You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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