You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
