WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
