i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
