Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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