hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
