you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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