If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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