her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
