My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
