My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
