hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
