i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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