I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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