He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
