I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
