If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
