So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
