I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
