I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
