sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
