The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
