i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
