i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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