I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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