Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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